


stranger

by deadbeatfreak99



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, How Do I Tag, Inspired by Music, M/M, References to Depression, Short Chapters, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-07 15:34:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 5,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20819669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadbeatfreak99/pseuds/deadbeatfreak99
Summary: ❝But you, who I've shared my breath with for a lifetime, I don't know you.❞《In which Changkyun uses the lift late at night, and Jooheon is almost always there.》





	1. ── [０１] ──

**Author's Note:**

> originally completed on wattpad 01/05/2019
> 
> inspired by kim jonghyun's song elevator: https://youtu.be/vMJQlhdkrqU
> 
> link to spotify playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/ltmv1akncmgjlstc4y6lcnhit/playlist/2MYkHV9x1bku1jOiiwxSg8?si=MLoIyCn5Q_-SCfFzcOFtaQ

It was meek, slurred, the quiet squeak and drag of his worn out shoes along the freshly cleaned checkerboard tiles of the lobby's floor, and yet the sound seemed to echo in the dark silence, pounding within his ears and rattling inside his skull.

His steps were small, almost neat, but as he blinked down at them he knew they were not his own. 

No, the legs carrying him were of a stranger, those sneakers filthied with dirt from walking down brightly illuminated streets he would not recall, and smeared with grime from going through glum alleys he would have nightmares of. 

And then they brought him to the block's elevator, a blur of steel silver before him prior to the doors parting and him stepping in with no recognition of the actions his body committed, just as his index finger pressed a button he knew not which level it belonged to.

There was a hum and then a subtle jolt, nauseatingly bad music beginning to play from the circular speaker above his head at a volume low enough that he could hardly hear it, as the lift began to move.

Subsequently, his sight cleared and his skin started to burn beneath the unforgiving glare of the harsh, white lights. Every flaw upon the murky face was highlighted by said glow, and he stared, squinted and blinked, for he could have sworn he knew that person looking back at him on the closed elevator doors, expression contorted in a pathetic bewilderment equivalent to his. 

Changkyun's sore eyes saw an unfamiliar face, and as his dry lips parted in a sigh, a delicate bell dinged and the movement came to an abrupt halt. 

His lashes fluttered whilst the doors opened and the man disappeared, leaving him once more so wonderfully alone, standing within his metal cage.


	2. ── [０２] ──

A man already stood upon the ruddy, maroon carpet, chin to his chest and gaze strained on the blaring screen of the mobile phone held in his nonchalant grasp. 

His thick, rubber-soled, biker boot-clad foot tapped incessantly on the floor, his teeth continuing to play with his snake bite piercings which went through his bottom lip, and Changkyun sighed at the sight, for he hated the elevator, but he hated sharing it with other people even more. 

Unwilling to wait for the next free lift, he practically snuck into the confines of the contraption and nestled himself into a corner, noticing how the stranger stole a peek at him before shutting off his phone and tucking his hands into his trousers' back pockets. 

"Going up?" 

Had he not been the only possible person the question could have been directed at, he wouldn't have assumed it was aimed at him. The － perhaps equal in height － man was looking straight ahead, shoulders broad and eyes lazily hovering over the row of buttons.

"Up," Changkyun eventually replied, in time with the click of the doors shutting.


	3. ── [０３] ──

Maybe it was now safe to assume that the lilac haired male was a new neighbour of his, seeing as how it had been a week and, thus far, he always appeared in the elevator prior to Changkyun, ask him which button he should press as if he didn't already know, and take furtive glances at the other as if the brunet wouldn't notice them.

It had so been a week since Changkyun had seen that stranger on the long metal doors, and for that he'd have to thank this wanna-be bad boy who always stood in the centre of the lift and left Changkyun in the peripherals, without a view of his reflection.

Then again, for how long could he escape himself? 

Mirrors still reflected his eyes when they shattered, windows still reflected his form when they were sprayed over with black, and his friends insisted on taking photos together even when he said no. 

But truly, was that ever even him in those pictures? It was that stranger, wasn't it?

"What's your name?" 

He startled, his arms folded over his chest fastened in grip as his sight flickered up and to the side-profile of the other.

Changkyun hesitated, briefly letting his vision trail along the man until he strained a smile which made him internally grimace, wrinkled the edges of his eyes which he knew made them shine amicably, and unfolded his forearms to appear more open, almost as if expecting to shake hands.

"I'm Changkyun," he replied, voice lilting with happiness.

The response attracted the taller's attention, him side-eyeing the brunet with a trace of a smirk tweaking the edge of his lips upwards, a gleam of something which couldn't be pinpointed in his irises dulled by the feeble lighting.

"Jooheon."


	4. ── [０４] ──

Jooheon was not nearly as tough as he tried his best to come off as. Rather, he merely had a brazen exterior. He would hold the door open for Changkyun before it would close, greet him every night － though the levels of politeness were arguable, considering that he often only merely released sounds akin to grunts － and his icy glare would sometimes melt into a fond gaze when talking to a particular person on the phone.

Jooheon was not too complicated to understand. Nobody was ever too complicated to simplify, unless said person was Changkyun himself.

Born in this body of his, living in this shell of what he once was, shrivelling and crumbling like his corpse soon would be, and yet if asked who he is, Changkyun would not know how to reply honestly. 

No, he'd state his name in a cheery tone, speak of his work life and the schools he attended, what he majored in and what films he likes. He'd go on about his love for dogs and he'd ramble about his favourite music as if he himself were a record, words all precisely memorized and smile meticulously perfected. 

He stepped onto the carpet ridden with dust balls, and Jooheon gave a sound of recognition.

"Hello to you too."

"Going up?" 

"As always."

And then silence, and once more Changkyun situated himself at the greatest distance from the other, behind him. 

It must have been that person again, because Jooheon had let a mellow smile creep onto his chapped lips and it made Changkyun almost jealous, because when was the last time he had smiled so naturally? When was the last time he had actually felt something within this corroded heart of his? 

"Are you talking to your girlfriend?" He casually asked, and just like that the air tensed and any remains of a grin were erased.

"No," Jooheon murmured, only to become aware of Changkyun's playfully peeking eyes over his shoulder.

"Hey!" He buried his phone into his jacket, sharply turning to fully face the other with a glare that could have scared anyone but the shorter, "Don't be so fucking nosey, dumbass."

Despite the insult, Changkyun softly smiled, head falling askew as a puppy's would, and Jooheon blinked, the anger in his eyes dissipating no matter how he fought to maintain it.

"You were talking to your mother."

The man's ears were painted fuchsia, a tone which greatly complimented his pale skin and lilac hair, Changkyun noted, his features marring with a scowl.

"None of your business." 

With that the bell sounded and Jooheon exited with a huff, his heavy footfall leaving a trail of noise behind him for Changkyun to listen to.


	5. ── [０５] ──

Fingers nipped by the cold, cheeks prickling at the hands of the chilling breeze, his hair dishevelled and his large hoodie soaked. Even with the irritable, loud squeak his shoes produced, announcing his approaching, he hadn't expected Jooheon to keep the elevator doors open for him after the way their interaction had ended the previous night. 

He bowed his head when he was allowed to step on, and it seemed the other man was simply in the mood to surprise him, seeing as how he had taken up one of the lift's corners this time.

Changkyun didn't utter a word and was careful to not let his sight drift to the latter, whose own staring was scorching the younger's skin as the ever-so-white and lifeless lights were. 

It had been a while since Changkyun had stood before his reflection in the elevator, and suddenly being exposed to himself once more only made this void inside his ribs twist, contort, but unfortunately he felt no pain. 

How he longed to feel pain, hurt, anything, for certainly even feeling suffering was better than feeling nothing at all. 

Abruptly, his eyes began to sting, but as faithful as it was, the bell resounded in their silence, and Jooheon left without noticing anything which even his unexpecteding eyes could see, should they have spared a second to look.


	6. ── [０６] ──

Changkyun awaited the moment he'd spot his neighbour with trepidation, crossing the quaint lobby with his sight cast low and a distant feeling of nervousness hovering over his mind.

A second time, Jooheon held the elevator doors open for him, and a second time they avoided one another's gaze.

It wasn't all that uncomfortable for Changkyun, really, but the other kept swaying on the balls of his feet, hands fiddling with the chain looped from where his belt was, and teeth playing with those black snake bite piercings as they were the first time he'd seen him.

He could practically taste the lingering words which would soon be uttered, smell the scent of a timid apology crawling up the other's throat and creeping onto his tongue.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you that time."

Ah, there it was.

Changkyun painted a smile on his lips and looked to his right, directing it at the other who uncharacteristically met his stare and held it.

"No problem at all, dude," he replied, shrugging it off with a sigh faintly underlined by his abnormal exhaustion, "I guess I was a bit rude."

At that, Jooheon's features abruptly flashed with guilt, but as soon as it appeared it vanished, burrowed only within his dark chocolate irises.

"Oh, no, don't think too much about it. See, it's just that I don't. . ."

His words trailed off as he pursed his lips, as if searching for the right way to phrase what he wanted to say, and Changkyun felt a twitch inside his chest at the scene.

"You don't want people to realise you're not as tough as you like to seem?"

The weakly blanketed accusation left the other astounded, jaw slacking to let out a murmur of syllables prior to a coherent sentence finally tumbling into the space between them.

"There's nothing that's not tough about loving your mum," he defensively retorted, and Changkyun bowed his head in agreement, still smiling as his sight rose to the ascending numbers above the doors.

Two floors left.

"I'm glad we're on the same page then,"

_Ding._

"It's your floor."

There was a beat of silence, and the brunet noted from his peripheral vision the way the older had apparently fixated his focus on him.

Strangely enough, it made him almost unsettled, and when he fully shifted to better face the man and their eyes met at the short distance, that twitch returned, and he had to forcefully stop himself from frowning in bewilderment.

"Right," Jooheon suddenly spoke up, breaking himself out of his evident stupor, but also Changkyun of his own growing one.

Walking off, Changkyun watched him go, until the latter gave a quick look over his shoulder accompanied by a miniscule wave.

"Sleep well."


	7. ── [０７] ──

Changkyun was surprised to find the elevator empty that late night. What time was it again? Perhaps around half one in the morning, now that he thought about it.

It would have been more worrying if he had found Jooheon still out and about at this time on a weekday, rather than not, and yet he found himself reluctant to enter the steel cage, trap himself in a place where there was only him and that － that man.

They shared the same face, same expressions and voice, but Changkyun knew him to be a stranger.

Like someone walking to their death, he trudged his aching feet into the lift and turned to face the exit, watching as the doors eventually slid closed and that figure came into view.

An urge to reach out and touch that person fizzled beneath the skin of his clammy palms, but as his forearm lifted with lingering apprehension and his hand nearly grazed the metal, he stopped, realised he had yet to press his level's button, and changed trajectory to do so instead.

For how long could he keep doing this for?   
For how long could he keep living as two people, never to comprehend one another, never to accept one another?

He was tired. Meeting his own eyes in his reflection was like passively witnessing himself crumble.

It was uncomfortable seeing himself smile and it was strange to hear himself laugh.

Changkyun was tired.


	8. ── [０８] ──

"Are you tired?"

He blinked, eyes rounding and his step halting mid-way, barely elevated from the ground but stiff as stone.

Jooheon rose a brow at the lack of a response, stepping into the lift as Changkyun remained mute. The lilac haired man was staring at him, he could feel it, and he'd have to smile now, show he was fine, really. Changkyun's okay, he just had a busy day. Nothing a good, long sleep couldn't fix.

"You okay?"

Changkyun nodded, smile already stitched to his lips, life beginning to flicker in his eyes like a light bulb being turned on but having a loose connection to power.

"I'm good, thanks for asking," he spoke, words robotic to his ears but merely a warm, sleepy tone to the ears of others.

"I had quite a busy day today and I'm really worn out."

Jooheon hummed, shoulders untensing and bowing his head as if he could empathise perfectly with the younger.

"I hear you, bud."

Changkyun let out a quiet laugh, smile still strong on his pale mouth, hands now nestled into his hoodie's pockets.

"Then why are you going out at this time?"

The question was followed by a pause, their eye contact breaking as Jooheon glanced to the screen of his phone.

"My mother's not very well, so I'm going to care for her tonight."

Whilst the brunet's smile faltered, Jooheon's grew, afraid and feeble, but a sign of strength that the former could only envy, because he could see that there was very little hope shining within his eyes and nonetheless he had curled his lips up.

"I'm really sorry to hear that," he dropped his sight to the other's half laced-up boots and momentarily felt his mind go blank until it rebooted.

"I'll let you get going. Goodnight."

"It's okay. Night, sleepyhead."


	9. ── [０９] ──

The sheets were icy, the pillow felt hard, the blackness was asphyxiating.

It was silent, the type which was dangerous at some hours before sunrise. The type which allowed grim thoughts to fester and frightening ideas to reproduce into armies of terror.

Changkyun lay in bed, awaiting a sleep which he knew would not come but he still hoped for.

His eyelids refused to droop, no matter how heavy they became, and his mind did all but set anything irrelevant to rest aside.

No, it was five in the morning and he'd been strewn upon the mattress for hours now, yet he was awake and helpless, a frustration mixed with desperation and anger forming a perilous concoction within him that made him wish to scream, cry, lash out at anything, anyone, himself.

He palmed at his eyes, sighing in aggravation prior to flopping his hands back down to his sides.

Life was never fair, he knew, but death was even more unjust.

Death seemed willing to grasp all living beings, but those who wanted to be taken into its chilling yet blissful grip.

How much easier it would be, if instead of chasing death, death came for him.


	10. ── [１０] ──

Four elevator trips later, and Jooheon was once again standing at its centre, the spot Changkyun used to occupy before they met and subsequently whilst he was gone.

Physically, he appeared drained, what with his limp hair and equally limp shoulders, swollen eyes and cracking lips, but there was a certain buzz which enveloped him like a cloud human sight couldn't perceive. Nonetheless, Changkyun felt it, that popping of happiness like firecrackers, and he instantly allowed a smile to grow on his features.

"You're back," he cheerily commented, huffing a laugh as the other gave an exaggerated nod, paired with a wolfish grin.

"I am. Missed me?"

A joke, playful, and a question which didn't require much more than an eyeroll or a scoff in return, but the shape carving Changkyun's lips faltered, and for an instant he worried the older would have noticed.

"Riding the elevator with you every night is surely better than riding it alone."

His words too sounded mirthful, allowing a listener to interpret them as they wished, but a whisper in his ear had told him it was truth, masked and decorated, but factual.

It was truly better using the lift with someone to distract him, with someone to take that spot he would stand in and blur his reflection.

What Changkyun was uncertain of though, was whether it mattered if that person were Jooheon or not.

The latter had given a chuckle at the response, shaking his head while proceeding to mumble the typical, "Going up?" to which Changkyun replied with his consistent, "Up."

"Well, I'm glad I can make your short trips more enjoyable, cutie."

The brunet's gaze flitted to that of the man's abreast him, astonished and round, and his cheeks only dusted rose when Jooheon offered a boyish smile, somewhat flirtatious in a way Changkyun had never anticipated.

He tore his attention away from him, giving a miniscule pinch to his thigh to get himself to focus prior to reconstructing his smile.

"You're bubbly tonight, huh?" He asked, rhetorically, now watching the shut steel doors as if they portrayed more than two blobs as reflections of themselves.

"Did you get any good news?"

"Mhm, great news, I'd say," Jooheon quickly responded, tone chipper, "My mother should be fine soon."

Changkyun sighed, silent and weightless.

"That's lovely then, Jooheon. I'm happy for you."


	11. ── [１１] ──

It seemed that cherry was a colour Jooheon was fond of seeing on his skin tarnished by low bumps, as he had taken a liking to addressing Changkyun by stomach churning pet names the latter believed he had never seen used outside of films for the lovesick and between eager, teen couples.

The range was vast and inclusive, from pumpkin to pouty puppy, sweetheart to baby, and the more ridiculous they were, the better, apparently, for they had become something like an inside joke.

Jooheon would greet him with a, "Hey there, cupcake," at which Changkyun would snicker and respond with, "Hi there, sugar muffin," whilst stepping into the elevator he had disregarded his fear of.

It was strange, but those few minutes of their trips up were enough for the lilac haired man to start up conversation, ask how he was doing and what he had done that day. Changkyun wasn't sure if he was grateful for the distraction or whether it hurt him more, to fake a smile which made him ache and reply with just the right amount of happiness in his otherwise helpless voice.

Changkyun wasn't sure either, however, when it had become easier to feign it all.

It felt as though he could trust Jooheon, the latter always open and listening, occassionally irritated and brutally honest, but kind and soft-hearted. He was perhaps more layered than other people and the greater Changkyun got to know him, the more he felt at ease in his presence.

Despite the spurts of happiness the older gave him though, Changkyun knew better than to get his hopes up and believe anything would change, for even if there now was an instant of light in his life, the darkness was eternal.

Even if Changkyun's heart had given a couple, sporadic beats when Jooheon had been exceptionally sweet or endearing, the former was well aware that love was not an antidote, but a mere painkiller, and he risked becoming addicted to its brief relief.


	12. ── [１２] ──

Perhaps things had precipitated without his full consent, without him paying it any mind.

Was there a precise time to when Jooheon had decided to be attracted to him? He couldn't tell. Maybe when they began this silly game of using pet names for each other, or maybe from that time they fought. There was such sincerity in the man's eyes when he apologised, was it then?

Changkyun was baffled, astounded, and yet there was a seedling of contentment sprouting within the graveyard he considered his mind to be.

He had entered the elevator that night with weary steps and a foggy mind, but the moment he noticed Jooheon's antsy expression and inability to stay still, the haze dissipated and his attention was drawn to said person.

"Everything alright, JooJoo?"

He didn't want the atmosphere to grow tense and hoped his diabetes-inducing nickname for the other would bring him to a calmer state. Fortunately enough, it did just the trick and the man let out a hearty guffaw, dimples profound in his supple cheeks.

"Everything's good, Kyun, I just -" he shifted on his feet, a hand carding through his hair that looked to feel like cotton clouds in a spring sky, "See, I just have all these things inside me, weird but happy things, and I'm not sure what to do with them."

When their eyes met, Jooheon noticed the confusion which painted the younger's face and let out a sigh, not one connected to anything negative, but rather one of acceptance.

"Going up?" He proceeded to ask, index finger already hovering over the same button he always pushed, and Changkyun hummed, gaze still set intently on the other.

"Well, at least they're not bad things then."

Truthfully, he wasn't certain about how he should respond and his tongue was tasting a variety of ways to reply and yet voiced none.

Jooheon didn't appear disheartened or frustrated with the man's lack of a substantial answer, instead he maintained a timid smile and urged himself a centimetre or two nearer to the brunet.

"It seems you haven't really connected any dots in that adorable, small head of yours, so to cut to the chase I'll tell you directly."

Changkyun blinked, a brow arching inquisitively, noting that they were facing each other now and that it made a thud resound in his chest which deafened his ears, growing steadier the longer they held their stare.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that taking the lift with you has become something I look forward to every day," Jooheon honestly replied, smiling but a tint of nervousness showing in the depths of his irises, "I mean that seeing you smile makes me want to do the same and that your laugh makes my pulse quicken and heart warm. I mean that I like listening to you talking with that drowsy voice of yours and I like watching your cheeks flush whenever I call you cute things. I mean that these weird, but happy feelings inside of me are caused by you, and I want more of them."

It wasn't necessarily believable to Changkyun that he, someone who hardly felt anything, who had only recently rediscovered seconds of happiness, was able to be the reason of such an emotion for somebody.

And yet, Jooheon had that same glimmer of sincerity in his eyes, that genuine fondness trickling from his confession and that subtle pink tint to the shells of his ears.

Changkyun didn't know how to respond. Would it be fair to leach joy from another human, like some parasite? Would it be fair to admit to feeling the same way about the man, when in reality it was merely a fraction of it that his numb heart could perceive?

"How am I to reply to such a soft speech?" He asked, straining a laugh to cloak his inner turmoil, "I like you too, but saying that doesn't hold as much impressive value now, does it?"

The moment Jooheon had processed his words was evident in his expression, a sheer excitement and glee washing over his features in moments, and then he took some steps closer, the space between them reduced to a minimum.

"You could ask me to kiss you."

It was hushed, spoken just slightly above a whisper, but the statement reverberated within Changkyun's mind until he couldn't think of anything else.

"Kiss me."


	13. ── [１３] ──

Much like the dependence of an alcoholic on alcohol and a drug addict on drugs, Changkyun had come to be dependant on the painkiller that was Jooheon's affection.

And just the same as when someone goes through withdrawal, the younger would suffer in the lack of Jooheon's being by his side.

It was not a physical dependence, more so an emotional one, and when Changkyun was alone and the relief of the pain had faded to nothing, everything would crumble around him like walls built from sand, enough to suffocate him, bury him, until the faucets in his eyes would begin leaking like they scarcely ever did.

He felt it to be ridiculous, these reprecussions of staying in solitude had on him, for he could have sworn he was used to it before.

It was late on a Sunday night that he had decided to go for a walk, longing for a distraction, chilly wind on his skin and flickering street lights being his guide. He exited his apartment and made his way to the lift, intending on keeping his head down to avoid that reflection he so detested.

"Changkyun?"

It wasn't that he was ignoring the call, more that he hadn't processed it as real and kept walking, dragging his feet to the elevator until he got on and pressed the bottom button.

"Changkyun, wait!"

A hand appeared in between the shutting doors, just marginally avoiding being squashed and startling the brunet enough to bring him to yelping.

His gaze shot up, lips apart and head spinning, and it was only when he attempted to see the other that he realised his vision was blurred.

"Damn, I almost missed you there, huh?"

It was Jooheon, hair unruly and a loose sweater covering his torso, apparently thick and warm and Changkyun desperately wanted to hug him, feel that comfort for himself.

"What are you doing out this. . ."

His words drifted into the air like steam, the elevator doors clicking into place being the only things to produce sound in the silence which blanketed them.

"Baby, why are you crying?"


	14. ── [１４] ──

Had he been crying? He couldn't really tell anymore. This body of a stranger had lost any connection to him, and even if his sight was weakened by tears, he couldn't feel their heat on his cheeks or their wetness down his chin.

Changkyun couldn't feel them, but he could feel the secure hold suddenly enclosing around both his wrists, and he focused his spinning irises on the concerned man before him, who set his hands to his chest, as if trying to make the younger feel his heartbeat.

"Kyun, honey, what's wrong? Has something happened? Are you not feeling well?"

There was such panic in his partner's voice that guilt ran rampant within him, searing his veins and making him bite down on his tongue.

He didn't deserve all this worry and stress. No, if he had been more careful about being seen, this wouldn't have happened. Jooheon would have kept on living blissfully, stayed by Changkyun's side without ever knowing of the horrific creatures that the latter faced daily. If he had kept his distance in the first place, instead of always putting up his happy and outgoing front so as to fool people around him, Jooheon wouldn't have ever even spoken to him and he wouldn't be burdened with such a problematic boyfriend.

Ah, there it is. Problematic. A burden. That was what Changkyun was, and yet he found it strange that these thoughts were even making him cry. He had believed them for years, enough that he had grown numb to them and accepted them, did his best to hide them from eyes that watched him.

When was the last time he had cried because he felt like this? When was the last time he felt such sorrow and ineffable blackness dousing the remains of his soul?

It wasn't pleasurable, but he was feeling. He was finally feeling something and he could have almost been happy if it weren't for the situation.

Jooheon was still there, gaze intense and strained on his boyfriend's face which contorted with his heaving sobs. Long gone was that innocent smile and those shining eyes, no trace of them left on the blotchy, red skin and sore lids, lashes like feathers studded with diamonds, beautiful but too heavy to fly.

"Kyunie, what's happened? Talk to me," Jooheon murmured, pleaded, his full lips going to place a delicate peck upon the brunet's forehead, "Tell me honestly."

He couldn't, he didn't want to. Changkyun didn't want to say what was wrong because then it truly would be all over.

Jooheon had fallen for the stranger, the man he saw in his reflection, the one with big grins and giggles, optimistic and hard-working, but the real Changkyun, the man he would see reflected at him in cracked mirrors and elevator doors, was a monstrosity, a breathing disaster that longed for an end.

He shook his head, lowering his chin to his neck and tugging one of his hands out of Jooheon's hold to rub away his tears, to attempt blocking his face from his lover's sight.

It seemed Jooheon had grasped such a fact and sighed pitifully, something which made Changkyun scowl to himself for being the object of such a sentiment.

"Please, don't hide, Kyun."

He continued to wipe at the endlessly flowing cascade of water, desperate, frustrated.

"Don't hide, please."

"I'm sorry."

Jooheon reached out and cupped the younger's jaw, eyes trailing along where their skin came into contact prior to dragging up along his face just as his touch slid forward, bringing his thumb atop the brunet's chin and his index and middle finger below it, guiding his head higher.

They met one another's eyes in a look so powerful it made gasping for breath even harder for Changkyun, whose damp face was traced by the older's sight, strained, concerned, as if struggling to hold back his own tears.

"How long have you been crying?"

"Too long."

A pause, and Jooheon's fingers fastened around Changkyun's right hand that he still pressed to the centre of his ribs.

"Do you know what face you're making? You - You look like you're in such pain."

"It's better this way. I haven't felt anything for too many years."

And something seemingly snapped within Jooheon and the man pulled him into a forceful embrace, holding onto the smaller as if he would escape should he have the chance, as if this was his only way of offering strength, transmitting his love.

His face nestled into the crook of Changkyun's neck and vice versa, the latter moving his hands to splay them upon Jooheon's woolly sweater and then fist it, gripping it tightly in his fingers and squeezing his eyes shut.

Changkyun was still crying, but amidst the sound of his muffled hiccups and whimpers, he could hear the strangled breaths of his partner and eventually feel the heat of his tears on his neck.

"I care for you, Kyun, I care for you," Jooheon kept mumbling, as if some mantra he needed to repeat infinitely, "Please, don't forget that I do."

Changkyun wouldn't.


	15. ── [１５] ──

Changkyun wondered if there was any meaning to life at all, if there was any reason for his birth and continued existence.

The reason he still blinked and breathed, was it for him or was he being chased? Was there a point to enduring everything life threw at him in the hopes of a better future, when either way he would die and he could just end it all directly?

Some time had passed since that eventful trip in the elevator, and along with being urged into visiting a psychiatrist weekly for the type of help Jooheon couldn't give, the latter had been treating Changkyun like the most valuable and prized being on earth, checking in on him when he was too quiet and making him laugh when his mouth began to dry.

Changkyun wouldn't say he loved such treatment but he didn't hate it, for his boyfriend somehow knew how to not make him feel like some charity case, a feeble person who constantly needed a crutch. No, Jooheon knew how to make Changkyun feel strong and it confused him.

There had certainly been a development of sorts in the younger. He went through some arduous months of numerous breakdowns, shattering like fine china right before Jooheon's eyes at the slightest touch, and the latter would spend hours picking up each piece and putting them together again, no matter how much his fingers bled and his heart ached.

Changkyun couldn't comprehend what was going on. Prior to having met Jooheon, he hadn't felt in years, let alone cried, but now it had become an almost daily occurrence and he didn't know whether it was good or bad.

Jooheon told him it was a positive sign, that it meant he was letting himself feel again and that eventually the tears will take the pain away with them, and he could fill the remaining void within the brunet's chest with his love.

Even if sceptical, Changkyun trusted him, and eventually his breakdowns grew to be less and yet his heart continued to feel.

The change was however, that it felt happiness. Not the fleeting kind, the one that everyone chased like starved hyenas, but the kind which burrowed in the depths of his mind and remained there, because acceptance was its foundation.

He accepted that there was no point in living, but he was alive and might as well live the years he had to the end. He accepted that sure, he didn't like himself but Jooheon did and maybe he would one day see what the man saw. He accepted that things were hard, his mind was his worst enemy and it was a constant battle to win against it on the smallest of things, but that was fine, because he wasn't the only one who had such issues and he didn't have to fight it alone, Jooheon made sure he knew that.

He accepted that there were seperate parts of him which would come together to create his complete self. One half could not be without the other.

That stranger he hated was also him, and that man who smiled and enjoyed things was him too.

Another fact Changkyun had come to accept was that perhaps he was wrong; that love is a painkiller, but that didn't take away the fact that it does indeed help.

Changkyun didn't think the pain he endured would ever completely fade, but enveloped in Jooheon's arms, a blanket covering them as they sat on the sitting room floor, just beneath the sofa and the younger's back pressed to the other's chest, Changkyun breathed and felt alive.

The reason he still blinked and woke up every morning, was for love.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks a lot for reading!


End file.
